#27 Thu 5 May, 2011 9:30 PM

NathanPriestley: #ukflive sat here with my cock out doing the helicopter around my room makes the same noise coming out of the UKF stream

#26 Thu 5 May, 2011 3:22 PM

I envy how comfortable Waldo always seems in large crowds.

#25 Thu 5 May, 2011 12:12 AM

jnkboy: You know when you start writing a tweet, change your mind and erase it and tweet about doing just that instead?

#24 Wed 4 May, 2011 10:06 PM

THE BEST THING ABOUT REAL LIFE IS BEING ABLE TO STACK PORK

#23 Wed 4 May, 2011 8:29 PM

HairyJew4Life: Fuck. I just mentioned that it was my birthday as a pickup line to this hot girl at the bar and her fat friend is now asking about cake.

#22 Wed 4 May, 2011 8:26 PM

swiftenhaal: "Do these horizontal stripes make my country look fat?" ~ American Flag

#21 Wed 4 May, 2011 7:49 PM

succitaM: My arm is asleep. Let's draw mustaches on it.

#20 Wed 4 May, 2011 7:42 PM

Donni: Ceilings were just ambitious walls.

#17 Wed 4 May, 2011 6:11 PM

"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."

#16 Wed 4 May, 2011 6:00 PM

Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.

#15 Wed 4 May, 2011 5:38 PM

Turn that baby's cry into a jazzy tune by putting a harmonica in it's mouth

#14 Wed 4 May, 2011 5:36 PM

Apparently "you have great tweets" sounds a lot like "you have great tits" in a crowded bar.

#13 Wed 4 May, 2011 5:36 PM

When people say "I'm not getting any younger!" I wonder what other basic life concepts they just learned.

#12 Wed 4 May, 2011 5:34 PM

I'm going on an all breadcrumb diet because I've never seen a duck with a double chin.

#11 Wed 4 May, 2011 5:33 PM

I have a ton of leftover horse. It turns out I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.

#10 Wed 4 May, 2011 5:32 PM

Sorry, but the greatest thing since sliced bread is sandwiches. Period.

#9 Wed 4 May, 2011 5:31 PM

Wouldn't it be messed up if we found out Rome was built in like 23.5 hours?

#8 Wed 4 May, 2011 5:15 PM

I like to stare at a Priest & say "You wore that same outfit last week" so he thinks I go to church every week & knows I'm on to his shit.

#7 Wed 4 May, 2011 5:12 PM

A man just went completely berserk at a Dollar Store & destroyed everything inside. Total damage: $48.

#6 Wed 4 May, 2011 4:50 PM

Even if oil prices go down, I'm still going to siphon gas from my neighbor's car because I like the adrenaline rush and he's an asshole.